Þæs ofereode, þisses swa mæg (000_hester_000) wrote,
Þæs ofereode, þisses swa mæg

For yuri_shoujo

. . . It's a Fruits Basket fic after all.

Title: Rabid Fangirl Blues
Fandom: Fruits Basket
Characters: Akito, Yuki, Motoko, Minami, and other assorted members of the Prince Yuki Fan Club.
Genre: Crack-ish
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 1274
Warnings: A little bit of language and implied spoilers. Also, both Akito and the fangirls' blatant misogyny.
Summary: Akito pays a visit to Yuki's school and bonds with the girls of the Prince Yuki Fan Club over one thing they can all appreciate: making Yuki's life miserable.

Rabid Fangirl Blues

The stranger showed up in the middle of the school day, when everyone was in class and the hallways were nearly deserted.

The girls of the Prince Yuki Fan Club (now an officially registered student organization!) noticed him only because they were setting up an information booth. You never could tell when someone new might be entranced by the Prince’s beauty, after all; it was important to keep his image out in the public eye.

Even if Yuki had, admittedly, asked them to stop using his baby pictures on their official club memorabilia.


The interloper — they were quite sure he wasn’t one of their classmates — almost walked right by their booth; he had an intent look on his face and was holding a slip of paper, as if he were looking for a certain classroom.

He almost walked right by. Then he did a double-take as he noticed the banner they’d pinned to the wall above the table. His lips moved slightly as he read Prince Yuki Fan Club — almost as if he couldn’t believe it.

“Isn’t he beautiful?” demanded Minagawa Motoko, pushing her way through the other girls. This was a prime opportunity: the Fan Club could use more male members, so why not take every possible chance to recruit? There was no way men should be allowed not to bask in Yuki-kun’s glory!

“He is quite handsome,” the man conceded.

So was he. He had a striking appearance, very thin with glossy chin-length hair that was so black it was almost blue. His eyes were dark and without the faintest hint of warmth. He dressed entirely in black as well, giving him a severe look.

Good-looking, definitely. But of course not as good-looking as Yuki. The secret to Yuki’s attractiveness was in its delicacy: the Prince was almost more pretty than handsome; one could almost think he was really a girl in disguise. The newcomer, on the other hand, was one that no one would ever mistake for a woman, thought Motoko critically.

He was still standing there looking pensively at the photo of Yuki in his dress. “Well,” he announced with a smile, “I’ll admit I do feel a bit captivated by him. If I could, I think I’d want to have him all to myself, keep him in a room somewhere where no one else could interfere with him . . . ”

“I know,” said Motoko with a happy sigh. “Oh, believe me, I feel exactly the same way. Tell me, you wouldn’t be interested in joining our club, would you?”

Yuki could hear the faint murmur of voices as he approached the corner. He steeled himself. The general tone sounded like his Fan Club, which was unsurprising given that they had been hanging out in the hallways trying to press-gang innocent students for the past week. (Or at least, he liked to think they were press-ganging them. Surely all of those people hadn’t decided to take part in his torment of their own free wills . . . right?)

“. . . Is that so?” one of them was saying. “What a shame. I agree, he deserves better. And you say she lives in his house now?”

The voice was polite, attentive . . . and familiar. Yuki shook himself. It couldn’t be . . .

But it was. Yuki snuck a covert glance around the corner, and there he was: Akito was standing there in front of the Prince Yuki Fan Club’s booth, chatting with several of the girls. He was leaning in slightly, as if their every word fascinated him, and a nonchalant, summery smile danced on his lips. Somebody had given him one of their fliers (the one, Yuki noticed as the knot in his stomach grew even tighter, with Minami’s horrifying fanart of him), and he was holding it tightly to his chest. Motoko was fussing over him as if he were her closest friend.

Yuki had had this nightmare before, except that Ayame had been there too.

He looked around the hallway disconcertedly, but at least his brother was nowhere to be seen. And certainly not in the nurse outfit he’d been wearing in the dream —

“So, like, we all know she’s a total slut, right?” Minami was saying. Yuki’s heart sank. For several months now he had been toying with the idea of hiring Tohru her own personal bodyguard. “I mean, she is. Otherwise, why would she keep stealing Sohma-kun from us?”

“Exactly!” exclaimed Akito cheerfully. Yuki’s stomach did another nasty turn. Okay, he really was going to have to get Tohru that bodyguard. “This Honda Tohru person is clearly taking advantage of Yuki-kun. You know, it’s just one of those things that’s sad but true.”

“What is, Akito-kun?”

“Welllll . . . that the world is just full of all these nasty, scheming little whores, with their long, silky hair and their make up and their pretty girly little bodies with breasts and hips . . . . ”

Akito trailed off in mid-sentence, suddenly looking inexplicably disgruntled. If the girls noticed that, they didn’t show it: they were nodding in rapt agreement.

“Yeah, you’re right. Half of the girls at this school are like that. It’s so pathetic. Especially that Honda Tohru . . . . ”

Yuki turned away, full of apprehension. Please don’t let them make Akito a full member, he pleaded to no one in particular. He was about to simply walk back the way he had come, and then never, ever come back to this particular hallway again.

Suddenly, there was a scream.

Yuki’s breath caught in his throat. All right, it wasn’t exactly as if he liked his fangirls. But still, if Akito had gone so far as to hurt one of them —


Now Yuki was entirely sure he was dreaming, even if Ayame was nowhere to be found. He had peeked around the corner again, fearing that the sight that met his eyes would be one of terrible carnage.

He had certainly not expected to see Akito standing atop a chair, quivering from head to foot, still making strangely distressed noises. And since when did Akito have such a girlish scream?

Yuki pinched himself, unfortunately to no effect.

“What’s the matter?” asked Motoko, her voice full of bafflement. For his part, Yuki could not have agreed more.

“Yeah, Akito-kun, what happened just now?”

Akito pointed to the far side of the hallway, where there was nothing but blank wall. “Th-there!” he stammered. “It was right there, just a second ago!”

“What was?”

“A r-r-rat! A rat! It scurried away just now, but it was there. This disgusting, disease-ridden — ”

The girls emitted a chorus of disgusted cries, and one jumped up to join Akito on his chair.

“Oh, I can’t stand rats!” one wailed. “I agree with you, Akito-kun. They’re just so gross.”

“Yeah, don’t be ashamed, Akito-san,” another chimed in. “I’ve been absolutely terrified of rats ever since I was a kid. I won’t go anywhere near them. Oh no, what if there’s an infestation?”

“What if it had crawled on Sohma-kun?” shouted another. “We mustn’t let these creatures defile our Prince. Something must be done to stop this menace. Mousetraps for Yuki! Mousetraps for Yuki!”

Soon the entire Fan Club had taken up the cry.

Akito held up a hand. “Friends, I understand wanting to protect the beautiful Yuki-kun. But mousetraps won’t travel with him to shield him from these vermin. Why not buy him a cat? I’m sure Yuki would love a cat.”

“A cat! A cat!” cheered the girls. “Kill all the rats! A kitty!”

“Do you think if I buy him a kitty he’ll be really nice to me and hug me?” wondered one dreamily.

Akito smiled as if to say, My work here is done.

Because I'm very disappointed by the fact that Akito never gets to meet Yuki's fangirls in canon. And it is my headcanon that most of the Fan Club members are terrified of rodents. Anyway, in the early parts of the manga it really is true that Akito only leaves her batcave to go irl trolling.

Don't worry though; in actuality Akito could never become a member of the Prince Yuki Fan Club. Personally, I wouldn't want to be the one who had to try to make her agree to "Don't steal him, bitch!"
Tags: crack, fanfic, fruits basket

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