Þæs ofereode, þisses swa mæg (000_hester_000) wrote,
Þæs ofereode, þisses swa mæg
000_hester_000

Icon is relevant and baaawwwww

Well, on the plus side I figured out what it is I'm so upset about.

On the negative side, I haven't a clue what to do about it.

Once, I had this particular field of study I was interested in. This goes way back, at least until the time I was eight, probably earlier. I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life. But I'm anxious and self-doubting, and I never know how to actually go about pursuing my goals.

Several years ago, I finally got my shit together long enough to decide to go into that field. There was a particular person --- you know who you are --- who I expected to be supportive of me and help me out, because I was definitely missing a lot of the prep work I would have needed. Instead, you were just awful. You were so mean and discouraging at every juncture, including going so far as to make shit up completely out of nowhere in order to try to convince me to study something else. (For instance, I recall you telling me that I couldn't wear lacy/girly things if I studied this.(?!))

I feel like you betrayed me, and I've never understood why.

Now I'm going to graduate this December with my B.A. in history instead, and the truth is that I don't really want to. I don't dislike history. I like it a lot, and I think it's a valuable area of study; I am glad that I've learned about it. But I can't shake the feeling that I've traded a diamond for an agate, and that hurts. I can't just not graduate. And I've been planning to go on to grad school. But . . . if I do that, then that will take up all my time and I'll never get the chance to go back and study this. On the other hand, would it be any better to skip grad school, graduate and go straight on to get another Bachelor's degree? That sounds pretty dumb, too.

I could just deal with the fact that apparently I'm not going to get to pursue my dream. But . . . I'm not a bro, so I can't really say YOLO. Except. In this instance it's true. As human beings, we only get one bite at the apple. Now I feel like I gave mine up, and it's only natural to feel inconsolable over that.
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