Þæs ofereode, þisses swa mæg (000_hester_000) wrote,
Þæs ofereode, þisses swa mæg
000_hester_000

Your daily dose of crackfic

Title: Operation Bancouch
Fandom: Bleach
Author: Hester
Characters: Starring Tousen and Wonderwice, with appearances by Aizen, the Espada, and Gin. And the Bancouch.
Genre: Crack
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Language, pathetic blind jokes, innuendo. Gin wearing a wig and fishnets.
Summary: In which Tousen and Wonderwice endure a harrowing mission to the home improvement store, and the reasons for why this is necessary are elucidated.
Disclaimer: I am your father not KT.
A/N: Written because Wonderwice just doesn't get enough love.



Usually Tousen Kaname quite welcomed the company of one Margera Wonderwice, because he had been truthful when he had said that those with pure hearts should stick together. Knowing that the other Arrancar were not quite so pure (1), he had made it his task to keep the young Arrancar with him at all times. He had never thought that it might prove to be a burden.

It did.

He had already tried to explain to the young one about ten times that they were on a very important mission for Aizen-sama, but the lesson just didn’t seem to be sinking in. He sighed. Today was not going nearly as well as he had anticipated.

Although it was not for him to judge the wisdom that was Aizen-sama, he couldn’t help but wonder if he was, all things considered, the best person for the all-important interior decoration saga, aka Operation Bancouch.

It had all started when Grimmjow had accidentally (2) released his zanpakutou and conveniently forgot how to undo it. Aizen-sama hadn’t minded so much when it was just Nnoitra that he was using as a scratching post (3), but when the great and noble quasi-sofa known only as Bancouch became the target of his frustrations... Well, something just had to be done.

Gin was also carrying out an important mission today: Operation Bancouch, Part Two. Grimmjow had apparently not been terribly pleased at the thought of being taken to “some fucked-up old human vetra-whatever thing” to be declawed, but Aizen-sama’s word was, after all, the law. (4) Tousen had been quite pleased to hear this, because picking up the omnipresent little piles of nail clippings that the Sixth Espada left behind was starting to get old.

Anyway, the end result of the whole Grimmjow affair (6) was that Aizen-sama had a revelation: since the Bancouch was in need of some serious re-upholstering anyway, this could be the perfect time to do something about Las Noches’ admittedly rather monotonous interior....

Tousen just wasn’t sure that he was exactly the perfect man for the job. And, just to add to stresses of the day, Wonderwice had discovered the home improvement store’s large collection of paint chips. And was eating them. Noisily. Two other customers had already complained; it was extremely embarrassing.

He turned to the customer next to him, a little old lady who had insisted on giving Wonderwice a packet of chewing gum. (7) With his most serious expression, radiating a sense for justice out of every pore, he asked her the one vital question in his persuit for a perfect living room that he was unable to answer. “Which one do you think would look better?”

He was holding up two sets of curtains, one leopard-print and the other buttercup yellow with a rather fetching rabbit pattern. (9) The woman considered this for a moment. “Well, I suppose it depends on what it’s going to go with. What color is the rest of the room?”

Tousen shuddered. Today was going to be a really, really long day.

Somewhere off to his right, Wonderwice rolled off a stack of carpet samples with a
worryingly loud thud.

(1) And had apparently been writing some rather dreadful and physiologically innaccurate things on the walls of his own private bathroom.
(2) Grimmjow seemed to do a lot of things ‘accidentally’, and even Szayel-Aporro had not yet found a way to get the stains out of the carpet.
(3)Well, to be fair, Nnoitra did come in box that said ‘Great for cats of all sizes’.
(4)Although Grimmjow did not know this, the situation could have been much, much
worse. Ulquiorra had reminded Aizen-sama that it was always a good idea to neuter your pets (5); fortunately for Grimmjow, Aizen had decided to put off that particular procedure for a rainy day.
(5)Actually, the exact wording he used was “Impregnating That Woman is my job, Aizen-sama”; Aizen had quickly decided to pretend he didn’t hear that, because it conjured up a whole series of disturbing questions, beginning with “Wha?”
(6) Mr. Jeagerjaques has had many affairs, the latest being with Britney Spears, and the most famous being with the Fancy Feast spokescat.
(7) Getting the gum out the Arrancar’s Hollow hole proved to be a three-person job, however. Since the three people in question were Nnoitra, Ilforte, and a French whore who had mysteriously materialized at just the right moment(8), it was never finished to the
satisfaction of anybody who wasn’t Nnoitra.
(8)Who on closer inspection turned out to be Gin in a wig and fishnets.
(9)The enigmatic designer known only as Ruchiki had produced yet another masterpiece.
Tags: bleach, crack, fanfic, taco aizen staff
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