But at the same time, I guess I've been trying to pretend that I don't miss her at all, which is also bullshit. We were friends since second grade, so it was pretty silly of me to think that I could just walk away as if nothing had happened.
Although I'm not really upset that I was mad at her... we were quite close, so I think I needed to be really pissed off before I was going to do anything. At the same time, though, there's probably a lot of blame I've been putting on her that doesn't really belong there. What made her so frustrating to deal with is that she's bipolar ( the really quickly switching type-- she could switch over from being depressed to being completely hyper in a few minutes. ) And that certainly wasn't her fault, especially since she had been on several different medications and none worked for her. Of course, she should also have been seeing a psychologist, and she was; the problem was that she only really had the option of going where her parents sent her, and her dad is some semi-fundamentalist nutjob who sent her to a counselor who told her that all her problems were caused by the fact that she's Wiccan.... So yeah, I probably shouldn't blame her for not getting proper treatment. ( I hope that now that she's eighteen she is, though. And not living with her parents who she obviously hates, although I suspect she still is. )
In a way though, I can't help but wonder if we ever really should have been friends in the first place though, since she's pretty much always had emotional issues. Looking back, when we were kids, even though she was my friend, I pretty much still thought she was a bitch, because I had a non-traumatizing childhood and had no way of understanding that she had reasons for being the way she was. So I guess I can't help but feel like even when she was my only friend, I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to be friends with her.
Anyway, whether we should have been friends in the first place or not, I can't help but wonder why I stayed friends with her in middle school, but not with my other former bff, who is... you know, not crazy. Oh well.
But long story short, I realized that even if she was somewhat intolerable to be around, I really do miss her. Not that I would want to be her friend again if I had the chance, just... she was my only friend for a long time, so I expect I'll miss her for a long time. And that's not necessarily a bad thing.