Þæs ofereode, þisses swa mæg (000_hester_000) wrote,
Þæs ofereode, þisses swa mæg

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Please please please

Ok, so yesterday, I got a letter of rejection from the U. So I'm really hoping now that I get accepted to St. Kate's. I really really do not want to work or go to community college. I think that I would probably literally die of shame. Not that there's anything wrong with either of those things in and of themselves, but neither of them is for me, and I seriously think that I could end of being suicidal if that happens. My mom was going on about 'oh, maybe working a year would do you good' No, it won't do me good, because I'll be dead. Anyway, though, that's just not happening. I've decided that I'm going to school next year one way or another. See, you can legally be in highschool until age 21. So I figure that if I don't get accepted to St. Kate's, I'll just be back at highschool next year as a super-senior. Which sounds kinda lame, but it's better than graduating and then not going to college.

I feel so pathetic though, that I didn't get into the U. I really wanted to go there. I've been wanting to go there for a really long time. If I don't end up getting into college at all, I'll be really disappointed. My mom teaches at a university, and I used to go to work with her if I had the day off. And I was smart back then, so I just kind of walked around and looked at things, and knew that this was where I belonged. And now I'm so lonely, because I've gotten so stupid, and smart people wouldn't take a second look at me.

And I miss being smart so much. When I was in grade school, I was in the school's high potential program, Heartbeat. And then, I went to a private school for the first two years of middle school. So when I came back into the district in eighth grade, I wasn't in Heartbeat anymore. And I wanted so badly to go and find someone and say, 'Hey, I should be in this program, I was in it in grade school, you know,' but they probably would have turned me down even if had said that, because eighth grade was the year that I failed everything.

I just want people to tell me that I'm smart, more than anything else. Sure, my parents say that I'm smart, but they're parents, so their opinion doesn't count. Unconditional love is free, and therefore worthless. There are so many people at my school who are so incredibly motivated. They take all these AP and Honors and CIS classes, and they play an instrument, and they have a job all at the same time. And I just look at them and think, 'Why can't I be like that?' I just want to throw myself at their feet, and beg them to teach me how to be like that too.

Same thing goes for pretty much anyone smart, actually. Like, in a science class, we'll be reading an article about some scientist and their experiments, or whatever. And just want to go, and find that person, and beg them to believe in me. Please, please, I'll do anything, if you'll just take me with you, if you'll just teach me how to be smart like you.

Except, I'm terrified to actually talk to somebody like that, for fear that they would just brush me off. Then I really would die. I just want someone to help me, but no one understands. Everybody just looks at it like, oh, you don't get very good grades. Maybe school just isn't for you. And I'm saying, yes, it is for me. Please please please please please believe that it is for me.

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