Þæs ofereode, þisses swa mæg (000_hester_000) wrote,
Þæs ofereode, þisses swa mæg

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Slow ( adjective ): of or having to do with the writer of this journal

School is driving me crazy right about now, and it's actually not b/c of Spanish. I'm taking an ap psych class right now, and i'm really worried that i'm going to end up failing it. And it would be, like, the worst class I could fail seeing as I need this credit to graduate ( well, that and Brit Lit ). Maybe this is how all ap classes are and I'm being stupid to expect anything different, but I don't know how I'm supposed to manage all of this. It's not that we have a super-heavy workload or anything, it's more just that it's way too fast-paced for me. Couple that with the fact that everything seems to just be automatically set up to a be a group assignment, and I'm going completely insane. Yeah, sure, I know a couple of people in this class, but it doesn't really help. Each time she tells us to get into groups, she gives us like two seconds to do it, and by then, everybody I know is already paired up with someone else. I guess that we're supposed to just partner with the people sitting next to us, but a) there aren't very many people sitting next to me and b) the people that there are are all sitting next to their friends, so it doesn't really help.

I feel like I ought to say something to her about it, but I don't know what I should say, especially seeing as all of my problems really are my own fault. At the beginning of the semester, she told us that unless we were taking the class with the ap test in mind, we should transfer to the oridinary psych class, but I didn't listen. I guess that I'm suspicious of whether a lower-level of class would go into the same amount of detail as this one.

But anyway, as far as I can tell, this is a class aimed at motivated, personable, and fast-paced people. I, on the other hand, am unequivocally lazy, shy, and slow. It's not that I'm stupid, just that I really do need a long time to process things and to think through things. So saying 'Get into a group of two. Ready? Ok, great! Now fill out this worksheet together and hand it in in ten minutes' makes me want to have a heart attack.

Add to that the fact that I've now completely fucked everything up with this class. See, we had this big assignment where you were supposed to get in groups of like, five people and then you were all going to present something to the class. I didn't end up getting into any particular group right away, b/c I am very shy, and I also thought that I would have more time to think about it. It turned out that I didn't, and I did not end up being shuffled into a group until some weeks later. Then, I didn't tell any of my new group members that I was working with them now, b/c I'm always the person who gets thrown into groups at the last moment and isn't really wanted and I'm so goddamn sick of it. So, I conveniently forgot to talk to any of them. Fast-forward to last week, when I realized that our presentation was coming up soon, and I had no idea what was going on. I finally got up the courage to talk to the only person in my group who I actually know, and she said that she didn't know what we were doing either. So I decided not to worry about it, on the basis that at least it wouldn't be directly my fault if we didn't have anything ready.

Now,fast-forward again, this time to today. Today was the day that we were to give our presentation. It turned out that everybody else had gotten something together after all. By the time it occured to me that we were about to start presenting, it was too late: everyone else was already up there. I didn't want to look like a complete weirdo ( although I suppose that that I am, lol ) by running up at the last minute, yelling 'I'm in your group toooooo!', so I did nothing. And now, I'm probably screwed, b/c I dunno how much of my grade that thing counted for, and I already have something like a D in that class, anyway.

But, GAH!!! I really feel like I ought to explain myself to the teacher, but I'm completely horrible at explaning myself to people. Also, I'm supposed to be taking the ap test for this class, and I really don't want to. I'm only taking it b/c my mom asked me if I wanted to, and answering yes was easier than answering no. And now I'm kinda stuck, because a) I don't want to tell anyone that I don't want to take it and b) Even if I could, I don't think that the test fee is refundable.

I really wish that people would get it into their heads that I truly am a slow thinker, and would give me some time to think things through, instead of expecting results yesterday, b/c that's never going to happen.

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