Þæs ofereode, þisses swa mæg (000_hester_000) wrote,
Þæs ofereode, þisses swa mæg
000_hester_000

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Bleach Crack!Fic

Finally, I actually wrote and posted a fic. That makes me ridiculously proud, I am sorry to say.

Title: The Dangers of Pool
Fandom: Bleach
Author: Hester
Characters: Espada, Aizen, Gin, Orihime, and mentions of Nell and Ichigo
Genre: crack!
Rating: PG-13ish?
Warnings: ...uh, does innuendo count? Noitora has rubbed off on me, what can I say. Some Espada spoilerishness, I guess. Should I warn for an excessive number of foot notes?
Summary: There are many things the Espada should not be allowed to do. Playing pool is only one of them.
A/N: My first crack!fic, so please be gentle. I feel like it's too long for crack, but brevity escapes me somehow. This is a week-late Mother's Day present... scary. O.o


The Dangers of Pool

The assembled Espada glared at the thing occupying the center of the room with varying degrees of animosity. It was a thing so dreadful, a thing so foul, it was... ...well, it was sort of like... ...some sort of thing. Probably.
“What the shit is this?” inquired one.
“Obviously, Aizen-sama wishes that we... that we... do whatever it is that we’re supposed to do with this thing”, finished another lamely.
“But... what’s it?” asked Yammy, looking to the shorter, dark-haired Arrancar who stood at his side.

Ulquiorra shrugged. “Aizen-sama has doubtless left instructions for its use. We should search for them forthwith.”
“Yeah, sure, whatever. Prissy little ass-kisser.” The first one who spoke was already having bad feelings about this. Anything that he was forced to do with Ulquiorra was bound to be a major headache.(1)
They circled the strange object cautiously. It was a table of slightly greater than average size, but with a green felt top and a set of offensively shiny balls arranged in a triangle on the felt surface. Alulurie poked at one of the balls experimentally. Nothing much happened, save that it rolled to the side of the table, and fell into a small pit concealed near the edge. “Huh”, he said, mostly to himself.

“Aha!” announced Szayel, pointing one finger towards the sky in an international sign of mad science. “This is called a pool table, and Aizen-sama expects us to use it for recreational purposes.
“And how do you know that?”
“Ah, I’m glad you asked me that, Miss. You see, I used my superior reasoning skills to deduct that–”
“So, it doesn’t have anything to do with that note taped to the side of it?” Halibel crossed her arms smartly and smiled, not that anybody could tell about the latter part.

Scientists love proof, except for when it proves them wrong.

“Oh is that so, Smarty Hakama-chan? Then how is it that I know that we’re also supposed to strap Halibel-san down to this and study her brain chemistry, and digestive tract, and how they both react to this amazing new drug I’ve developed, and... and...” he waved his hand in the air distractedly, trying to remember what other experiments he had planned for this morning.
“And study the differences between little boys and little girls?” suggested Noitora.
“Yeah, sure... wait, what? You mean you really don’t know?”

Noitora blushed, which is something that should never, ever happen. “Do you?”
“Naturally. My god, you would not believe some of the things I’ve seen when I’ve had females on the slab.”
“Like what?” Noitora was now seriously considering going back to college, and majoring in biology this time. (2)
“Like... arteries. They... in their stomachs, especially... holy hell they... so... hot... they... eeeuuunnnngggghhhh....”

The rest looked worriedly at Szayel, who was now rolling on the floor and moaning rather alarmingly.
“Why is he foaming at the mouth?” asked Yammy.
“Did anybody ever tell Yammy about the Gillian and the Vasto Lorde?” (3)
“Never mind that right now”, interjected Ulquiorra, who had recently been instructed to explain that very thing to the Tenth Espada, but was for once considering disobeying orders. “The important thing is that we engage in this recreation as Aizen-sama has ordered. What do the rest of the directions say, Sza–” he glanced at the twitching, moaning pile of Arrancar that lay on the floor next to him, and gave up.

“Presumably”, drawled Alulurie, “it has something to do with those.” He pointed to a row of tapered wooden poles that rested against one wall.

After a few extremely disastrous first attempts, Stark found a rule book stuck to the underside of the table.

“You could have told us earlier, you know”, Ulquiorra said petulantly, trying in vain to remove the eight ball from his throat hole.
“Here, let me help you with that”, offered Grimmjow with a rather frightening smile plastered across his face.
“In fact, it’s your fault that–” He was interrupted by Grimmjow’s version of the Heimlich manuever, which could only be practiced in Hueco Mundo, as it was elsewhere banned by international treaty. The eight ball was happily recovered from it’s new temporary home in the cleavage of one Matsumoto Rangiku by Noitora, but nobody had yet noticed the extra ball that had recently appeared on the table....

Twenty minutes later...

One pale sweaty hand grasped at the side of the table as the panting Arrancar attempted to pull himself upright. “I’m... back, if that’s perfectly... okay....”
“Oh you’re done, are you?” Not waiting for the answer, Halibel lined up her shot, and propelled the yellow striped ball smoothly into one of the pockets, pushing Szayel back to the floor in the process.
“Hey”, he protested weakly. “You just wait til I vivisect– ”

He was interrupted by Grimmjow. “What the hell?! You fucking bitch! When I get my hands on you, I’ll– I’ll– that was my ball!”
“Your one and only?” Noitora snickered from the opposite side of the table.
“Yeah, my– HEY!”

Eventually, Yammy and Alulurie managed to separate them, although they never did find the rest of Noitora’s hat. Noitora seemed not to mind this, however, and simply went back to making obscene motions with his pool cue.

Alulurie sent the solid green ball flying over the side of the table in one swift motion. Szayel glared at him, then back at the table. He was pretty sure that he wasn’t seeing double, in which case....
“Did he just embed one of the green ones into that wall?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Then why are there still two of them here?”
“No there aren’t. Don’t be so fucking stupid.”

Szayel made a small growling noise. Nobody called the one with glasses stupid. It was just plain against the rules. “I will have you know that I am and preeminent science expert of Hueco Mundo, and you might as well diediediediedie!

The others looked over to where the Eighth Espada was attacking the Sixth with a syringe full of an ominous-looking red liquid.(4) It was an admittedly interesting thing to see the scientist whaling on someone, and they would have watched the fight with much interest and even more microwave popcorn, had Ulquiorra not interrupted.
“I had wondered where that had gotten off to”, he announced in a completely monotone voice, holding up what turned out to be an eyeball.

He moved to reinsert it, but Grimmjow jumped up in a split-second, dislodging Szayel, who accidentally stabbed himself in the neck with his own syringe. (5)
After a few minutes of struggle, Grimmjow emerged as the victor. (6)
“So, shall we see what Emo-chan does on his day off?” He crushed the eyeball viciously, laughing in an almost stereotypically Grimmjow-esque manner. Then, his laughter turned to a series of small, frightened sounds. “Ohgodohgodohgodohgod.”
“What?”
“Is that–? That girl, what’s-her-face? And she’s– and he’s– THAT’S DISGUSTING!”

The other Espada, more curious than they were frightened, moved into the range of the swirling particles of eye (7)

Orihime and Ulquiorra lay on the girl’s bed.
“Again?”
“....”
“Please?”

He sighed, and opened the battered picture book once more. “Once upon a time”, he began, “there was a little girl named Nell, who lived in the middle of a very, very big desert. One day, she met a talking strawberry...”


The screams of the Espada echoed for quite a ways.

Later...

Aizen took in the scene with a mixture of dismay and dismay.
“This is not what I intended to have happen.”
Gin shook his head knowingly. “I didn’t think so, boss.”
“I wrote ‘recreate’, not ‘recreation’. Why would I want them to use my pool table?”
“Recreate?”
“Yes, you see that scratch there?”
“I see... quite a few scratches, boss.”
“I wanted them to fix it. That ought to be a simple enough task for my elite army, don’t you think?”
“D’you think you meant... ‘restore’?”
Dammit!

(1) Excluding, of course, punching, hitting, biting, or in one rare case, forcing the Fourth Espada to listen to his rap-metal anthology at full volume by duct-taping the ear buds of his new ipod into said Espada’s ears. But then again, that one had probably been a major headache for Ulquiorra, judging by the astonishing amount of drugs he had unwisely accepted from Szayel afterwards.
(2) What had possessed him to major in Spanish, he was never able to say. But for some reason, Gonzalez-sensei seemed to have hated him from the minute he said ‘Hueco Mundo’. Looking back, he never did find out why.
(3) Arrancar sex ed is a bit... different. For one thing, it involves much more foam, although no one is entirely sure why.
(4) Which turned out not to be, as Szayel had thought, the hyper-acidic poison he had been working on; but was instead his most top-secret project: a lovely and complex fragrance including the scents of jasmine, roses, sea salt, freshly cut spiced pears, and grass; evoking the imagery of a fresh, holistic country laboratory in spring ( complete with the imagery of soft, adorable rabbits being disemboweled with a pair of chopsticks ) and available in a twelve-ounce bottle for 7000 yen at select department stores world-wide.
(5) But it was okay, because the perfume entered his bloodstream, making him smell lovely for months afterwards. In fact, his delectable scent and absolutely smashing fashion sense attracted to him a bevy of Brazilian swimsuit models, who he used to conduct an extraordinary number of experiments, all while maintaining the basics of high fashion and allowing his laboratory to become a hangout for the young, rich, and hip, who he discovered were capable of functioning without a surprisingly large number of their internal organs.
(6) Ulquiorra would later claim that it was an unfair fight, as his depth-perception was a bit off at the time, and would sue Grimmjow for his medical bills. Grimmjow hired a very well-regarded attorney, and would almost certainly have won the case, had he not gotten annoyed with her insistence that he ‘change his hair back to its normal color’ and eaten her.
(7) Somehow, they never found this even remotely disgusting, except for Noitora, who only found it disgusting after he realized that Aizen had lied to him: this was a collection of Ulquiorra’s memories, not the Spice Channel.
Tags: bleach, crack, fanfic, taco aizen staff
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